70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
