He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
