If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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