I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
