I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
