i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
