Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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