There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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