I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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