Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
