The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
