I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
