Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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