why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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