I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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