After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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