I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
