don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
sex in a hospital.. check
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
