I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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