the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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