I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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