I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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