I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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