my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Be still, my beating vagina.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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