I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
