i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
