I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
