I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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