So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
