Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
