I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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