Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
