Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
