its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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