he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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