my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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