I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.