I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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