my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
