My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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