i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
