haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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