if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
