hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
