I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
