Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
