Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
