just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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