I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
