The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
