As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
