I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
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He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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