hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
