Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
third nipple confirmed
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
