Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Randomize
