There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
