Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
