Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
