I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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