**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
